In David Brooks book The Road to Character he talks about the difference between résumé virtues and eulogy virtues. He points out how very different they are. On our résumé we lift up our qualifications, our skills and gifts. We tell a potential employer why we should be hired over someone else.
Eulogy virtues are different. He says of them: “The eulogy virtues are deeper. They’re the virtues that get talked about at your funeral, the ones that exist at the core of your being—whether you are kind, brave, honest or faithful; what kind of relationships you formed. Most of us would say that the eulogy virtues are more important than the résumé virtues, but I confess that for long stretches of my life I’ve spent more time thinking about the latter than the former.”
When I meet with families before a funeral, I often ask family members to tell me about the qualities of the person. What is it about their loved one they will miss the most? Most often I will hear about the good things. They will remember special meals, trips, a kindly father-child talk . . . The mother who hovered over them in moments that were hard . . . the son or daughter who was always there . . . a spouse who took care that life was easier for the other.
Sometimes, there will be silence when I ask that question. No one really wanting to tell me about the person we are planing the funeral for. From all that is unsaid, I hear the pain of a life that left emotional distress, anger, resentment and suffering behind. We are each given a finite time on this earth. What we do with our lives during that time is ours to choose. What Virtues are You Growing?
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body.” Colossians 3:12-15