Grief catches us unaware. A sudden and completely unexpected loss in my extended family left us all reeling. Grief’s expression comes in waves of sadness, the inability to sing a song, misplaced resentment. There is an emotional roller coaster which spins me on a ride I never intended to get on.
Grief usually sends us backwards to other losses and other times. Memories rise from an earlier heartache we thought we had worked through, only to discover remnants that shatter our illusion of control. In seasons of loss we feel a need to reread words that have comforted us in the past. We need to be reminded that sorrow has its season, but joy will also have its time. The psalmist tells us that, “Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” (Psalm 30:5b) But how hard it is to remember, joy will come when the heart is broken and sorrow lingers far more than a single night. Grief is the unwanted guest, whose intrusion moves and rearranges life.
Revisiting previous griefs grounds us in the reality that healing is possible. Each loss has its time span. Our response to grief may be one of the most significant decisions we will make in our lives. We can close in on ourselves or we can reach outward. One direction will leave us letting go of people who care about us, the other will allow those same people an opportunity to love us with a friend’s love. There may be awkward attempts at comfort. Words meant to console, may do the opposite. Our friends are unlikely to have perfect timing in what we need and when we need it. Still, recognizing the gesture of kindness for what it is, kindness, is important to our own souls.
As I’ve walked with people in times of grief, I’ve learned the greatest comfort I can give is in simply listening. No profound wisdom is needed. A simple ‘I’m so sorry,” means more than the perfect phrase we struggled to find. A hug can speak our love louder than words. In my personal life I keep a prayer journal, in which my own heart is poured out to God . . . who listens to everything I have to say and simply responds with love.
* A version of this post was published as “Grief’s Expression” on February 4, 2015
A Pastor's Heart 
Much-appreciated experienced-based advice, Shirley. But I also appreciate that you end with an emphasis on not just pointing people in the right direction, but walking with them in their grief.
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Thanks for your kind words, Mitch.
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The death of a child is the most difficult to bear, I think. I am so sorry, Shirley, for your loss. Because you are suffering through grief yourself right now makes this post all the more meaningful. Your next-to-last paragraph that begins “Revisiting previous griefs” includes valuable wisdom for us to take to heart. Receiving graciously what is graciously given is balm in itself when we’re hurting. Negativity only adds to the pain.
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So very true. Grief brings up all kinds of memories. We think again about past losses. I was never allowed to go to funerals as a child. I had a learning curve when older about how people processed grief. Fortunately I was exposed to grieving in my teens and was able to learn. I never did that to my children and I hope that I was able to help them learn as was appropriate for their age. I really needed that experience in my 20 year work as Parish Nurse for the Lutheran Church.
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It is a gift to be able to comfort people. You must have done that often through your work as a Parish Nurse.
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Yes I did and as I’m sure you know it creates a closeness and bond that I will never forget.
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Yes, grief does come in waves, doesn’t it? You have described perfectly the way to healing, from both sides. For the one trying to comfort, sometimes the less said, the better – just being there. And for the one hurting, see every attempt at comfort, however awkward, as a sign that someone loves you and wants to help you heal. Human love is very healing, when we let it be. ❤
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Pingback: Grief Catches Us Unaware – Shirley Hobson Duncanson | Pastor Michael Moore's Blog
Thank you for this very profound and encouraging blog Shirley. I would like to share it on my blog
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Thanks Michael. You’re welcome to share it. After my niece’s little girl died last week, I and my family have been sitting with grief again.
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I am so sorry…
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