One of the churches I served was celebrating it’s 50th Anniversary. As part of the celebration year, we invited people who had been married 50 years or more, to renew their vows on a Sunday morning. In preparation for the day, I interviewed several of the couples. I hope you enjoy the wisdom of these couples as much as I did as I spent time talking to them. The following is the sermon I preached on that morning. 

Fifty Years of Growing in Love

      While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare,  “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
      He addressed the men, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
     Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

     I figured that after 50 years of marriage a person must have learned something about making a marriage work. So, as I prepared this sermon I decided to ask the experts on marriage what advice they could give. I was able to interview a number of couples who are renewing their vows today, along with a few others close to 50 years of marriage. I Promised not to use any names.

I asked first, what advice they would give a young couple just getting married.

Listen to what the women had to say:

    “ There has to be comprise in marriage. Marriage has lots of hills and valleys. You’ve got to make the most of it. If you’re deeply in love you’re going to weather everything. It needs to be ‘we’ and not ‘me’. You overlook a lot of faults. You have to forgive in your heart.”
     “Mean the words for better for worse – till death.”
     “Don’t have a hurried romance. Get to know each other before you get married – the other’s likes and dislikes. Share responsibility, finances, be gracious together. Share family time – take time for both families.”
     “Trust each other. Be trustworthy. Do things together. Never go to bed angry.”
     “Marriage is 50/50 – 60 is better.”
     “Learn to give & take. You give 60 % and take 40%. You need to work as a couple – not just one person being in charge.”
     “Marriage has to be a sharing. It can’t be one complaining later, ‘I gave you the best years of my life.”
     “To be faithful. To believe in God to lead you. Wait for it to get better at the end of the tunnel. Sit at the table and talk to each other as a family. Don’t be so busy that you don’t have time for each other.”

Now, hear what the men had to say:
     “ Share the workload. Help with dishes once in a while. Have patience. Don’t give up on each other.”
     “It’s good to share – compromise. Cant’ take everything too seriously. Be willing to listen as well as to talk.”
     “Takes a lot of patience. Don’t be afraid to give – you always get back more than you give. Respect each other. Say “Yes dear.” a lot. Women like to know they are appreciated. If you don’t tell them, how do they know. Actions don’t always say it all. You need to tell your spouse you love her and appreciate her to reassure her.”
     “It works both ways. Marriage is a partnerships. You have to work at it. It takes lots of give and take.”
     “Marriage is a two way street – you have to both give. Have patience. You have to give and take. You have to have patience.”
     “Everything is ours: Money is ours – not yours or mine. Share responsibilities of running a home, children, decisions. Listen to your spouse. As people we don’t always listen. Work on not only hearing, but listening – it takes effort. It’s good to have some time away from each other so you have something to talk about with each other.”

Then I asked what do you value most in your spouse after this many years?

This is what the wives told me:
     “His undying love for me. Not a day goes by without hearing ‘I love you.’ many times. He shows me in his helpfulness in day to day things. He’s just there for me all the time.”
     “His loving kindness and patience.”
     “His steadiness and faithfulness”
    “His good judgement”
    “His love for me. That he cares for me so much. He’s super in caring for me. He’s been there in the midst of many illnesses – right there to help out”
     “Unconditional love works both ways.”
     “His kindness to me. He is easy going. Easy to get along with. I know he loves me a lot.”

The men told me that they valued these things about their wives:
     “Putting up with me. Her complete thoughtfulness.”
     “Her love and respect for me.”
     “Her caring and understanding”.
     “She is my lifetime partner. One in a million. She has always helped – been there for me. Helped me with my disability.”
     “Togetherness – we have each other. I would be lost without her companionship. She has true understanding and caring. She holds it together.”
     One Couple answered this questions together – “The Ability to trust each other. Faithfulness. Being honest. We talk to each other. Talk over things we do.”.

I guessed there might been a conflict or two in those 50 years, so I asked how the couples had resolved their conflicts.
     There were some children who were asked a similar question, “How would you make marriage work?” 10 Year old Ricky answered, “ Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.” Well our couples had better solutions.

I asked what methods these couples had used to resolve their conflicts.

There were some common themes of not going to bed angry with each other and cooling down. Each comment represents a different person.

The women told me this:
      “It’s hardest when you’re rearing children. You disagree on how to discipline. You feel anger and hurt. You need to cool down and talk it over. It never pays to discuss things when you’re angry. Never go to sleep angry. Then she told how she would be laying in bed awake late at night, still troubled by the argument. She said, ‘I would wake him up to talk it over – when you’re calm and relaxed you could talk about it’. Each one can’t always have their own way. You need to compromise.”
     “ We discussed it – talking it out (not all talking has been quiet). Having each other heard. Listening to each other.”
     “You each have to apologize. It doesn’t matter who starts it, there is a time to apologize.”
     “Try to understand the other person, where they are coming from. Walk in their shoes.”
     “Never go to bed angry with each other. If you have a conflict air it out”.
     “Take time to cool off. Do a lot of praying. God always leads me right. Trust in the Lord”.

The men said:
     “Cool off before saying anything you didn’t want to say. Afterwards you can talk it out when you’re not so angry.”
     “Don’t end the day angry. Get things resolved before you start a new day. Most conflict is over small things. Don’t climb any hills before you get there. Don’t worry so much.”
     “Sit down and talk it over. Understand their point of view. Don’t go to bed mad at each other”.
     “Cool down a little bit. You are two different kinds of people. Cool down. It works out – wait till you mind clears up to see things differently. Give and take. After you cool down you can start over fresh to resolve the problem till you’re both satisfied. You can’t have one person demanding their way. You need to compromise.”
     “There needs to be a willingness for both to give in. The ability to accept the difference – if you can’t agree. Recognize an individual’s need for rest – space – that one person may need to be propped up. One person might have a strong need for love, attention, etc. Yet, the person with the strong need also has to recognizing their need might not get filled because of where the other is at just then.”

As I reflected on what the couples were saying I knew they had taken to heart the words of scripture from 1st Corinthians. “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrong-doing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” I Corinthians 13:4-8a

I had one more question. I asked how the faith community had strengthened their marriage.

     Couples talked about sermons which had an impact in a difficult time and friends they had made who shared their values. They spoke of the loving community at Sunrise, of people who had supported and encouraged them. They said that they had learned from each other and grew from each other.
     The Commandments were a source of guidance in their marriage. Couples turned to God for guidance and found that God could lead them. And sometimes, after they had been to church, they realized, that “Yes, they might have been wrong about something at home and needed to change.”
     They carried with them a confidence that God is part of their lives and an assurance that God is with them. In their marriage they knew the other person also had a deep faith. They appreciated it and it rubbed off on them. At church as they interacted with other people of faith, they found their own faith growing. Attending church together strengthened their marriage, as they worshiped together as a family.

     The Song of Solomon has some of the most beautiful words in the scripture of the love between a man and a woman. “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.” Song of Solomon 8:6-7
     One person said it all, “I’ve been most fortunate to have had these years.”
     Today, we celebrate with these couples a love that has endured and grown. We celebrate a love that will never end.